Sugar and Spice

Victory in our time!

2010-09-01T21:36:00.003-04:00

First up:

The BOY (okay, MAN ;)) found the blog...still not sure what to think about that. On the one hand, it is nice to know that I have a reader (hi, honey!). On the other, I was pretty upset that he is now privy to the ACTUAL number of my weight...

When I stop to think about that, it seems silly. I mean, he OBVIOUSLY knows what I look like, etc...it is just that the number gives me such shame...I wonder if it is because numbers are concrete and easy to compare, versus the subjective measure of how we "look"?

On a more pleasant note, I am down to 187.5...yes, it has really slowed to a crawl, but it is still moving in the right direction. Tonight, for the first time in nearly 3 years, I was able to put on (as in button and zip- they still don't look that hot!) my 7 for all Mankind and Paige Jeans...My first thought when I looked in the mirror was: DAMN! Jeans in 2007 were LOW RISE... I mean, I knew that we were trending back toward mom-jeans-ness these days, but I had no idea how far we had come!

I am still a good 10 pounds from feeling comfortable wearing the jeans out and about, but I was still very pleased with the progress....I don't think they will be quite ready to wear at NAC, but it is possible...we shall see!

I am overweight!!!! Hooray!

2010-07-28T10:56:00.002-04:00

Hello, strangers (IF anyone was following my blog, I'm sure that they would have given me up for lost by now!). I'm back with the shocking and wonderful news that I am STILL on the wagon, along with the even MORE shocking and wonderful news that it is working...This morning, I tipped the scales at 193 pounds (well, 195 per scale, but scale claims that, with absolutely nothing on it, the air weighs 2 pounds. Also, the scale in Hawaii when I went skydiving was a full FOUR pounds below my evil scale, so I feel like it is a fair estimate).. Rather than fitting into the grim-sounding category of "Morbidy Obese", I have slipped down into plain old garden-variety "overweight"! HOORAY!
No. Seriously. HOORAY! I am legitimately excited about being "overweight" after so long as full-on fat. It is taking me a LOT longer than I wish, BUT I am maintaining a positive attitude. I am keeping in mind that this is a long-distance race and not a time trial...sort of like when I finished the Army 10-miler. No one was impressed with my time, but I went the WHOLE DAMN TEN MILES.
I have a few challenges coming up. Starting yesterday, mama is in town. We are leaving tomorrow for a road trip to the Grand Canyon. After we get back (flying home on Sunday), she is taking my baby girl back to Kentucky :( Vacation/depression has, in the past, been a deadly combo, BUT I am determined to stay on track! I am going to spend a week wallowing. After that is over, I intend to pick up with running. We shall see....
In parting, enjoy this picture of "overweight" Steph, rocking a new Target dress.

Success (?)

2010-07-07T01:52:00.002-04:00

198 lbs as of the morning of my birthday.

I have my grill (a present from mom and dad, which makes it even better). Apart from that, I failed to reach my admittedly pie-in-the-sky birthday goal (and, having done so, the rest of the goals are pretty much unreachable).

To perk myself up, I concentrated on the fact that, as I enter my 35th year on Earth, I am FINALLY under the 200 pound mark again. The more I thought about it, however, the more that I realized I had a lot more than that to celebrate.

As I mentioned previously, my weight problem stems, primarily, from a binge-eating problem. I am the classic yo-yo dieter. I have lost over 50 pounds three times in my life, and over 20 at least a dozen times. When I found my elementary school diary a few years ago, I saw that I was obsessively monitoring my weight and counting calories even back then- AS A TEN YEAR OLD. My metabolism obviously doesn't believe that I really "mean it" this time. However, looking over my food journal for the past 36 days, I realized that I didn't experience ANY huge disasters. I resisted movie-theater popcorn, a hail-and-farewell steak dinner and even birthday cake (to be clear: I ate SOME of each of these things, I just didn't exceed what I had budgeted for). I can't think of a single other month in my entire life when that was the case- where there wasn't at least SOME episode of eating an entire pizza, or going through the drive-thru at McDonalds and THEN having three peanut-butter-and-marshmallow-fluff sandwiches and then thinking, "OH, what the hell, I've blown it already!" and scarfing down a bowl of unbaked cookie dough and a bag of chips. This is HUGE! Even though I didn't meet my dream-goals for the month (2 and a half pounds a week just isn't going to happen, it seems, even though I have stayed between 1200 and 1400 calories every day! :( ), I have the confidence that I CAN do it someday. I haven't felt like I am missing out on life, and so the thought of doing this until the end of forever doesn't feel overwhelming. If I lose 2 pounds a month for the next two years, I will be frustrated, but I will end up where I want to be (and if I can eat like this for two years, SURELY I won't blow it again!).

I will get there eventually!

Isn't being a girl great?

2010-06-18T09:57:00.003-04:00

Yes, I have been AWOL for a few days. There isn't much to report. My most recent visit to the scale (last night before bed) was a disappointing one: 204.0- although, I don't really believe that it is a true gain. I have been shockingly good. However, I am on my period, and I think that has something to do with the situation.

Unlike most people, my weight tends to go DOWN during PMS (by about 5 pounds) and then shoots back up again when I finally start. I hadn't been weighing myself regularly prior to what I THOUGHT was PMS week, but ended up being my monthly visit a week early. Now I think it is possible that my initial measurement was artificially depressed. If that were the case, 204 would actually be a victory...but perhaps I am merely psyching myself out? I don't know, but I have to keep the faith.

I suppose that this is yet another reason that men have it so much easier when it comes to losing weight. Not only do they have higher metabolisms and drop weight like a tree shedding leaves, but they don't have to deal with the added challenge of hormone fluctuations. I know that most of my weight problem stems from emotional/binge eating, but I know that it is also affected by my time of the month- in both positive and negative ways. The week before my period, it typically feels like there is not enough food in the world to fill my stomach. Then, the week after- I feel like I could cruise all day on a few peanut butter and crackers. In my experience, birth control only makes the situation worse because I get stuck in the "week before" mode. I have never gone on it without gaining at least 20 pounds.

I have to concentrate on the bright side: guys may have it easier, but they don't look nearly as cute in bikinis when they reach their goal! ;)

Shaping the Path

2010-06-14T14:42:00.003-04:00

203.5...that will have to be the official weight of the week. I managed to coerce the scale into 203 at one point yesterday evening, but I think that the above-referenced number is less attributable to shenanigans.

Sooooo...on the one hand, I am depressed that I have failed to reach my unrealistic goal of 2.5 pounds per week. On the other- a loss is a loss, right? I would have been THRILLED if I had kept to my promise of stepping onto the scale only once per week. However, I weighed myself about 20000000000 times per day, so I fell victim to the false hope and grief that water fluctuations wreak.

2 pounds down for the week. Not bad! I am pleased that I spent the entire week going in a positive direction. I had a total breakthrough at the movies yesterday as well. Although I DID order popcorn for my daughter, I took a little plastic ziplock bag (sandwich sized), filled it up out of her bucket and limited myself to just that much. It was a pretty nice compromise. I read a book recently "Switch: How to Change things When Changing is Hard", (http://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-ebook/dp/B0030DHPGQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1276541301&sr=1-1) and it cited research about why people eat. They did an experiment where they gave people terrible, close to inedible popcorn in different sized containers and sent them to watch a movie. In the end, the people with the biggest sized containers ate the most, even though the popcorn was nasty and they weren't hungry at all. The example is cited as a lead-in to a concept that the authors call "shaping the path"- that is, rather than relying on your own internal motivation to employ a different behavior, you manipulate your outside environment to make it more difficult (if not impossible) to act in the undesired fashion. So, if I have a tiny bag of popcorn, I am less likely to gorge (and I know how much I ate!). Another example is eating off of small plates, or the weight-loss-book-favorite: having half of your meal at a restaurant boxed up before it comes to your table (Who DOES that? Honestly!!!! (Although, I ordered Key Lime Pie at Red Lobster Friday night (I know, I know! I was naughty- but listen!) and asked for a box along with the pie (so that I could carve off a little sliver and put the rest away like a good girl). The waitress pre-boxed it for me (defeating my purpose, since I had to break into the box to get the bite that I was dying for anyhow)).

I think that there really is something to this "path" idea. I am looking for other examples to put into practice. If anyone stumbles across this blog, let me know if you have ideas!

2010-06-11T00:12:00.000-04:00

THIS is what I am capable of....me around 165, 3 years ago:

Scale Obsession

2010-06-10T22:47:00.003-04:00

Ok. I lied about staying off the scale. I peeked. 205.0 today...so down another .5 pounds, IF I believe my scale...and I'm not sure that I do.

My current scale is remarkably temperamental. If I step on with my right foot, instead of my left, it can tweak the measurement down about half a pound. I can also adjust the measurement by moving it from one side of the bathroom to the other. I KNOW that this leads to inaccurate measurements...but I still resort to those tricks when I need a psychological boost.

I wish that I could follow the advice in weight-loss books and concentrate on my measurements instead of my weight. That's what REALLY matters, after all. My measurement changes aren't typically very dramatic, since I am one of those people who loses/gains/retains pretty much evenly. Don't get my wrong, I'm grateful. I think I look better than I should for someone over the 200 pound mark:
Obviously there is room for improvement...TONS (I mean that almost literally :P).

The law of conservation of matter does not apply to my body...

2010-06-09T00:20:00.003-04:00

205.5 again this morning...after a day of PERFECT eating and excercise...I even had some fruits and veggies (are Ranier Cherries fruits or candy? I can't decide)!

I have been on enough diets (BELIEVE ME, I've been on enough diets!) to know that these "stuck" days are part of the game. It is one of the primary arguments in favor of weighing in once per week. On the other hand, when I DON'T weigh in every day, I have a tendency to fudge things more than if the scale was "keeping me honest". It is a dilemma.

I had another (mostly) good day. Had the usual (peanut butter on melba toast) for breakfast, but threw in a nice banana. For lunch, I took one of those Hormel "shelf stable" meals...I swear that I TRIED to choke it down...but I couldn't. It looked too much like a sponge, floating on a glistening puddle of snot (appetizing, yes?)...I threw it away and had two packs of Lorna Doone 100 Cal treats...needless to say, carb loading was a HUGE mistake- I have determined that I am super sensitive to sugar highs/lows...but there was no other choice. A major downside of living on an Army post: Your food choices are Burger King, Pizza Hut and Popeyes Chicken...none of those places really appealed to me even BEFORE I decided to get healthy...if only I was a soldier/dependent- then I could, at least, swing by the commissary or the shoppette to pick up something decent (driving to the nearest off-post grocery store is pretty much made of fail). In any event, until I buckle down and buy a mini-fridge, I am stuck with shelf-stable lunches....any ideas?

THIS is what happens when you don't post for...uhm...three years

2010-06-08T01:12:00.002-04:00

Not that anyone out there is reading, BUT....

It is probably well past time for an update! The SHORT version of events is that I gained almost all of my weight back again. I flirted with 220 a few months ago. It was...not fun.

It is strange how FAST regain seems to happen. One day, your jeans are a little snug (obviously left in the dryer too long). The next day, you decide to wear sweatpants...two weeks later, you are riding one of those little scooters at Wal-Mart...it is BAD!

Apart from getting fat, I made some other changes- got a divorce, changed jobs, moved 2000 miles away- you know, just a few little things.

In any event, I am trying to get my weight down again...there are a lot of reasons (among them the fact that I need to trap a new man now that I am a single gal ;))...mostly (and this is me being honest), I just want to feel like a grown up who is in control of myself.

I 100% believe that a lot of people who are severely overweight- possibly even MOST- are victims of things beyond their control: slow metabolism, underactive thyroid, injuries that prevent excercise, etc....I am NOT one of those people. I am a TOTAL binge eater- a LAZY binge eater, since I CAN stay in control, I just get distracted too easily. Impulse control is a huge issue for me, and I want to address it in all areas of my life- the "food" bit is just the easiest to blog about.

So...should anyone stumble across this by accident and take an interest, as of 6:30 AM, I weighed 205.5 pounds. I had a decent day eating-wide. Started off with peanut butter on melba toast (with a naughty little sprinkle of mini-chocolate-chips), lunch was penne pasta and a100-calorie pack of lorna doone cookies. Dinner was a handful of Rainier (okay...2) cherries and Cooking Light Fettucine Alfredo (and some stolen handfulls of my daughter's Target popcorn)...ended up about 1295 calories....ZERO veggies and hardly any protien, so there is clearly room for improvement, but at least there was a calorie deficit.

I will try to update soon (and possibly even take a stab at writing something interesting).

Day...ugh.

2007-05-07T20:40:00.001-04:00

169 again. *sigh*
Then again, I earned it.
This weekend was a DISASTER (not capital "D").
I started out meaning to be good by making a huge vat of my famous "magic soup". It's delicious and low-cal...the only trouble is that it is mega-high-sodium, so I was reluctant to do it so close to weigh-in day ( a reluctance which appears justified!). Anyhow, I ended up snacking on carbs ALL DAY on Saturday...soup and sugar-cinnamon pita chips...stayed within my calorie range, but set myself up for the carnage of Sunday.

Sunday BEGAN with Movie Theater Butter popcorn and ended up with a freshly baked layer cake. Dear Lord- do you KNOW how many calories are in layer cake? No? Well, I won't ruin the rest of your life by telling you....a LOT- which, coincidentally, is the same amount of cake that I ate. Frankly, I was astonished to see anything in the 60's this morning when I stepped onto the scale.

I meant to be back on the wagon today, but it ended up going all to hell. I was set to go to court in Carter County all day- but got called to the bench. My secretary had sent a message that Susan was sent home from school for being sick, SO I had to make the drive back and spend my entire day at home NOT working...I didn't have much juice at the gym tonight. I ran (well, WALKED for 15 mins, ran for 10 :$) and then decided I would try the weights instead of doing the bike and the eliptycahoweveryouspellit. Ugh. It is AMAZING how quickly you (meaning I) get weak! I could barely lift my gym bag and I lifted an embarassingly small amount of weight!

Ah, well...I'm within my calories this week. I'm going to put in a white strip and then my retainer in the hopes of staying on track.

Day...whatthehellever

2007-05-05T01:12:00.000-04:00

Friday is going to be dubbed "So-so"...I'm still not asleep (although I AM typing this from bed). There was some good along with bad.

In the "good" column, I went to lunch at Toro Loco's for a pre-Cinco de Mayo celebration and limited myself to only 10 chips, NO sour cream on the chips, and just the onions and shrimp from my fajitas (no tortillas, no beans, no rice). It was still a fattening lunch, but I felt in control the whole time, which is an achievement.

Dinner was rather decadent: Pizza Hut meat lover's pizza...Mmmmmmmm, I had two pieces (they SMALLEST two!) and then a 100 calorie pack for dessert...and I also gave in to the temptation of pita chips...so I probably went over in total calories for the day- alas.

Workout-wise, I did better...ran 2 miles (and I was flat-out RUNNING at 5.2 mph at at least a 1.0 up to a 3.0 incline), biked 5 miles and elyptical-ed for 10 mins...Did my sit-ups too, although it was technically after midnight when I did.

After gymming, I went to the tanning bed again. I think I'm FINALLY getting a smidge of color.

I'm going to make some homemade chicken noodle soup tomorrow...VERY delicious, but VERY sodium-y :/ I hate eating something like that right before Weigh-in. However, it is too much work to make from scratch on a weekday.

Days...9 and 10? I'm losing track

2007-05-03T20:02:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm going to have to come up with a new post title, because I've hopelessly lost track.

Yesterday was a good day- finished under in calories and really kicked it at the gym.

Today...not so good. I'm still in range (although 1500 feels high for me), but I had taco bell tacos and McDonald's ice cream...and I've decided that pita chips are little sugar bombs that I should avoid...I'm going to try to eat more wholeomely tomorrow.

Skipped TKD tonight...actually, I suited up and went to class, but they were sparring, and I HATE sparring.

DAY 8- END OF WEEK ONE - HOORAY!

2007-04-30T21:36:00.000-04:00

168.0

ROCK!

I can't see a difference yet, but I feel a little tighter.

I DO appreciate that this means my "water weight" theory holds up. Still, it was SO energizing to see the needle move down a real distance for a change! I feel like the switch to water is really helping things along. Also, I've been really punching it at the gym. I'm adding more inclines to my running.

Starting back to Tae Kwon Do class tomorrow night.

Day 6 and 7

2007-04-29T21:39:00.000-04:00

All the boxes were checked: stayed within calories, stayed off of the devil caffine (well, okay. TODAY I had half of a large soda (diet) from McD's, but I realized what I was doing halfway through and tossed the rest out.
I did my crunches and I've added back in taking a multi-vitamin.
Today was actually a /perfect/ nutrition day per Sparkpeople. I was within the recommended range for everything (even fiber and sodium, which are my nemises).
Tommorrow we see if it has paid off... and you are subjected to new pictures.

Day 5

2007-04-28T10:42:00.002-04:00

Yesterday wasn't bad. I was actually under in calories, managed to eat actual meals (I COOKED!), and hit the gym pretty hard.

I went to the tanning bed after the gym. Yes, I know that tanning beds are evil. Right now my vanity is outweighing my common sense...this way, my bikini can look like one of those weight-loss-pill ads *g*- where the "Before" picture has the frown and bad posture and pasty skin, and the after is straight and smiley and tan.

Day 4

2007-04-27T08:08:00.000-04:00

I should quit sneaking onto the scale mid-week. 170.5, which I know is a water fluctuation, but is still disheartening.

Yesterday went okay. I was within my calorie range, did my sit ups, and only had one soda (cold-turkey is just a pipe-dream, I've decided). I did somewhat better on the snacking. I actually had a much more balanced breakfast and lunch- although dinner was fast food, and I was absolutely STARVED by the time I got it! Jess didn't get home from Tae Kwon Do (with dinner!) until nine PM!

All in all, things are moving apace. I'm satisfied.

Day 3

2007-04-26T08:13:00.000-04:00

So far, so good.
I peeked on the scale this morning, and it was 169.5...sure it's water weight, and not an official weigh-in, but definitely moving in a positive direction.

Yesterday was good and bad.

On the plus side, I stayed within my range and went for my workout. I also did my crunches. On the negative side, I squandered most of my calories on JUNK, and I caved and had a diet rootbeer last night...Ugh! Giving up soda is SO HARD!

A lot of my problems thus far have been my tendency for "grazing", and it is hard to bring in line! Compounding the problem is that most of the things I "graze" (like nuts and chips) are high-calorie to begin with- which is why I don't sit down and eat a whole serving to begin with.

At least I have some extra motivation. My sister-in-law (who just had TWINS last week) is starting with a trainer as soon as she is cleared to excercise. I've really enjoyed being smaller than she is. I don't want to give up my edge!

In sum, to this point, the good is outweighing the bad. I have to keep my eyes on the Prize...Florida in less than three months!

Day 2

2007-04-25T12:23:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was mostly good.
On the positive side, I stayed in my calorie range (I think) and I remembered my crunches. I also managed to go completely soda free.
On the negative side, since someone had to stay home with Susan, I didn't make it to Tae Kwon Do, and I did more of that "snacking" thing that I do- stealing ONE frito or 2 nuts or 1 spoon of ice cream every time I'm in the kitchen- and then not writing them down. I KNOW that they add up! I'm paying extra close attention to those today.
Tonight is gym night :D I'll be glad to get out of the house!

Day 1...

2007-04-24T18:10:00.000-04:00

So far, so good...

I stayed within my ranges- an extra achievement considering that Susie (my daughter) had surgery yesterday, and so I was a nervous wreck. She came through with flying colors, however, and I didn't blow my budget calorie-wise.

Today, the bikini of yore arrived, and so here is our "before" shot...

Bikini Boot Camp

2007-04-23T17:02:00.000-04:00

Okay team, I'm reupping.

I'm SO PROUD of my committment to working out. With very few interruptions, I've been 3x per week since I joined the gym, and my cardio is AWESOME. I'm RUNNING 2 miles, then biking 5, then spending 10 mins on the eliptical.

My eating, on the other hand, has gotten sloppy.

I'm at 173 (as of this morning- I have to use the first reading on Monday as the "official" for the week). 171 as of this afternoon).

I don't think that all of the "gain" is fat....for the first thing, 167 is my true "all time best", as the 163 was pretty much a temporary fluctuation that never held...and surely I've gained SOME muscle in 2.5 months of HARD workouts (although, I keep reading that you don't gain THAT MUCH muscle)...so I'm going to charge myself with regaining 5 pounds...but 5 pounds in 2.5 months isn't a disaster...it just means that I need to hit it hard again.

Yesterday, I ordered a BIKINI from JCrew....A BIKINI - for those of you reading from home (if, in fact, such people exist), this is my first bikini since the 10th grade. This is HUGE.

I don't really feel confident enough to wear it yet, but I feel CLOSE to confident enough. I'd like to lose 20 more pounds before I have to wear it (going to Miami in July)...15 is close enough for me...If I can get in the 150's I'll risk it...

To that end, I'm going to 1) straight water , 2) Stricter eating (although I'm still sparking everything, I'm still "fudging" a handfull of nuts or chips, etc. here and there), and 3) adding back in some weight training and crunches (even though I HATE them).

Anyhow, starting as soon as it comes (hopefully tomorrow), I'm going to subject y'all to it and to my progress..

Bikini Boot Camp has begun.

I'm BACK

2007-04-11T22:23:00.000-04:00

Well...that was a depressing two months.

As you can probably guess, I've gained a little weight- 6 pounds, to be exact. I really haven't been off the wagon that badly!

At the end of January, I joined a new gym- which I love! With few exceptions, I've been going three times a week and hitting it HARD! I'm hoping that a little of the weight gain is muscle! I also joined Tae Kwon Do class, which I attend twice a week (some nights it is very easy, some nights it is a workout of I-want-to-throw-up proportions).

I think that I have been a little sloppy with my eating. I had a TOTAL BINGE last week with Easter. I hadn't lost control like that in ages. I basically sat down and ate a whole bag of Reese Cup Miniatures...so, the tendency to binge hasn't been COMPLETELY conquered. However, I am really proud of how well I've been able to get back in the saddle again. Being in control is normal now, instead of spiralling out of control.

I'm also learning how to handle compliments. I know that this has to sound ridiculous but, in all my past weight-loss experiences, the comments that I "Looked great" and "Was so thin" tended to push me off the wagon. It is like, I can't relate to myself as a normal weight person...but I am getting better. Sparkpeople has really helped me with that. I can present it as a "team" effort and deflect some of the attention- and also shift the conversation away from how I LOOK, to how I feel.

I think the other positive thing is how long this has taken. That's actually a positive in my case. I'm not expecting instantaneous success, so I don't have to claim instantaneous failure either.

In any event :D I still have 30 pounds to lose...I need to re-lose the first six (moan) and then see if I can be at my bikini-weight in time for St. Thomas. I think/hope that I can do it. Summer is always a great time for me to lose weight. The warm weather makes me not as hungry, I think- and there are less food-centric holidays to build a binge around.

Anyhow, my revised goals are to be in the 150's for England, and the 140's for Halloween (if I succeed, I'm going to buy a completely trampy costume ;)). Then, I want to be 130-135 for Christmas, because that is when we are going to St. Thomas and I have vowed to wear a bikini for once in my life!

The positive change that I have made this week is that I have drawn up menus. I think that having a menu will help me stop some poor, spur-of-the-moment choices that I have been making recently.

SMILE!

2007-01-31T20:25:00.000-05:00

Three bits of fantastic news.
First, I am 164.0 - that's a BMI of 24.9 OFFICIALLY "healthy" weight for the first time since I was 19!!!!
Second, I joined a new gym- and I LOVE it! I missed going tonight because Jess is out of town, and I didn't have care for Susan, but I'm heading there tomorrow.
Third, MY BRACES ARE OFF!!!!!!!!!

Whew!

2007-01-20T11:55:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back down to my former low: 165.0. There is light on the horizon! Also, I am joining a brand-new gym. Unfortunately, they don't open until the 27th, but at least there is a PLAN to start excercising again. I have high hopes that weightloss will start again in earnest when that happens.

In the meantime, I've decided to go to visit Anni in Norfolk for a Valentine's ball. I went to the fancy dress shop to search for a gown...and things FIT!!! OMG, it was AMAZING :D The dress that I bought is a ten, and I LOVE it. I actually have a WAIST!

Fun with Makeup

2007-01-07T23:12:00.000-05:00

I never seem to post here when I have makeup on.
Okay...so, I DO realize that I have exactly ZERO readers of this blog. However, on the off chance that someone should stumble past, I present my triumph:

It' SO FUN having cheekbones again.
Anyhow, more pictures and the details are at my "real" blog: kirixchi.livejournal.com

Oh- and the disaster is abating- 170.0

Ugh...

2007-01-02T00:15:00.000-05:00

CHRISTMAS WAS A COMPLETE AND UTTER DISASTER.

172.5
*moan*...worst of all, that's not the WORST thing that the scale told me since I was home, but it is my Monday official.
I was SO off the wagon. I actually TOLD MYSELF that I wanted to stop eating- that I wasn't enjoying the food, and I couldn't stop. I ate until, one day, I actually threw up. The ONLY positive is that I have climbed back onto the wagon with relative ease. While I'm here, in my home/controlled environment, I'm still doing well. *knock on wood*

Now, if only all the damned New Year's Resolutioner's would quit gumming up Sparkpeople!

(Just kidding- I was a New Year's Resolution Girl last year myself!).

Since, once again, I FAILED to reach my goal (164 for New Year's), I'm going to have to resolve to get there this year- hopefully by Valentine's (at the latest!). My other goals are to be in the 140's by the time I go back to Scotland (in June) and to wear a bikini in St. Thomas next winter (we are going on the 26th of December, so I have a good long time to work toward that one!).

moan and complain

2006-12-16T13:52:00.000-05:00

167.5

I'm really, REALLY annoyed. It has taken me nearly four months to lose 15 pounds. I'm really starting to get disheartened. Why is it going to slow? I'm staying in my range! I'm not excercising as well as I should, true, but I'm not slipping up...

It is SO FRUSTRATING!

*scream*

Blegh

2006-12-11T22:24:00.000-05:00

Three pounds in one month.
Boo.
That's really disappointing.
On the other hand, that's three pounds DOWN in a month including Thanksgiving and a trip to New York. Maybe I should count my blessings.
I'm not where I want to be, and not perfect by any means, but I'm proud that this is still heading in the right direction. I'm not on "maitenance", but I'm not going to beat myself up about tiny losses right now. After New Year's, I'm going to pick up the pace with excercise again. Until then, slow and steady wins the race!

The damage....

2006-11-25T11:03:00.000-05:00

1.5 pound loss in 2 weeks is disappointing, but given that the two weeks contained my trip to New York AND Thanksgiving, I'm satisfied with the mere fact that it was a loss!

I didn't quite make my New York goal. I was 172 when I stepped out the door (well, before I put on my clothes to step out the door). My revised goal was 170 (my ORIGINAL goal was 165!) so, that's disappointing. HOWEVER, it was damn close.

Clothes shopping in NYC was actually a lot of fun. I bought a new pair of jeans (SEVENS *g* *gag*- after I was so anti!) and an AMAZING corset from Agent Provacateur (where I am NOT the largest size! Hooray!).

Manhattan shops were annoying in that they only put up to size 8 out on the rack :P You had to ask for the 10's and 12's. I didn't know this at first. I thought they just didn't have them, until I spied ONE lonely little 12 out and asked to try it on. The saleswoman came over to help, and suggested some other outfits. I pointed out that she only had them up to a size 8, and she explained it to me.

It's sort of annoying :P like, they are ashamed of the 10's and 12's (OMG, how happy was I to be in a 12 to begin with?!?!) but ah, well....SOMEDAY I'll be an 8!

Anyhow, it's on to Christmas. The revised Christmas goal is 164...I don't think that's going to happen. I'd love for it to, but I see myself somewhere around 167 for Christmas (at the rate I'm going (A.K.A. PAINFULLY SLOWLY!)).

Mom bought me a gym membership for Christmas though, so I should be back in the swing of things come New Years. The main thing is that I've survived TWO vacations now without falling completely off the wagon. I ate more than normal in NYC, but I didn't binge, and that is a HUGE step forward!

New Pictures

2006-11-11T21:45:00.001-05:00

Once again, progress is at a snail's pace!
...but at least there is progress?
172.5 as of this morning. Since I am down more than 10 pounds from the last pictures, I'm posting new ones:

I haven't been running since Jess's parents came to visit: two weeks ago! I feel horrible about it, but have no motivation at all. I've also been making sloppy eating choices. My calories have been within my acceptable range, but they've been devoted to Halloween Candy. Honestly, I've intentionally skipped meals to eat fun-size snickers instead. This has to stop!

I'm off to New York with mom on Thursday. This is going to be another HUGE test of resolve. On the other hand, it will also be a shopping extravaganza- so maybe that will be motivational enough to keep me on track!

TRIUMPH!!!!!

2006-10-26T23:05:00.000-04:00

I FINALLY hit 175.
175 is my official lowest adult weight. Honestly, I haven't seen that number since before I graduated from High School. I am SO excited! It is only 5 pounds less than when I was in Scotland, but it was a hard-fought 5 pounds! Unfortunately, I've been celebrating by eating at the top of my range! (at the top- but not over! I was ONE calorie shy today *g*)

I am revising my "New York" goal to 170. I'd LOVE to be 164, but my weightloss has still slowed down. I'm already busy firming up strategy for the Holidays. "Mindless" eating is a huge problem for me! Fortunately, we are having Thanksgiving here in Kentucky. Holidays with my family are generally modest affairs. We go to mom's, eat, and come home- usually 2 hours start to finish. Christmas is what I'm REALLY dreading (food-wise). We will be at Jess's mom's house. His mother is a doctor, who doesn't believe in cooking with refined sugar, butter or salt, and is forever sneaking in wheat germ and tofu. I don't mind healthy food, but bland, horrific healthy food generally sets me off on a binge. I've literally taken to PACKING food to take to their house, and/or creating a fake errand that I need to run and pigging out in a drive through. I know it's disgusting. I should LOSE weight when we stay with her- but the opposite is true!

The other problem is that, in a strangely counter-intuitive twist, at Christmas time her house is PACKED with sweets that come from somewhere else: huge boxes of cookies and fudge and toffee...which my binge-wired brain can't get enough of!

They are coming to visit this weekend. I'm having trouble fitting all of my workouts in- I need something I can do indoors! I'd love to join a gym but (yes, I DO live in BFE) there aren't any here. I ran twice (2.5 miles each time, go me!) and meant to run today, but had to pick up Susie instead. I'm going to try to get a walk in tomorrow at work and, possibly, run or walk with my in-laws when they are in town on Saturday.

Slow and Steady...

2006-10-17T14:06:00.000-04:00

I think I'm going to choke the next person who says "Slow and steady wins the race". Yes, looking back, I probably won't remember how MIND-NUMBINGLY SLOW this is getting, but for now, it is REALLY getting old.

Despite upping my running, despite staying well under my 1500 cals per day ALL week, despite maxing out on calcium and fiber, DESPITE drinking all of my water, I only eked out a one pound loss?

I'm a freak of nature- I COMPLETELY defy the "one pound=3500 calories" formula.

Okay, I know I need to focus on the positives or I am going to let myself get discouraged. I'm not actually giving UP any ground- that's good. This weekend I had the WONDERFUL experiences of fitting into a stack of 10's that my mom was throwing away (okay, they are "mommish" 10s, not high-fashion ones, but STILL!), and I also learned that I have a new motivation. Next Christmas (not this one, alas) we are all going to St. Thomas on a big family holiday. Jess's grandparents have booked out the whole Inn where they usually stay, so that's going to be fun. My "Long term" goal is going to be to wear a bikini- which I haven't done since I was 16 years old!

A tie still isn't a loss...

2006-10-14T21:49:00.002-04:00

178
178
178!!!!

Okay, I HAVE to stop standing on the scale every time I walk by (and, next time, I will make sure that the scale I purchase hasn't been implanted with a secret program designed to DRIVE ME INSANE!!!- no matter what- if I've just peed, taken off my clothes, added my clothes back on, etc. the number stays the same! I KNOW it is toying with me!) and I HAVE to devise a strategy to lose less than 2 pounds A MONTH!

Yes, I know that holding steady is a GOOD thing- but my motivation is SERIOUSLY waning. I've GOT to break out of my rut! New York Goal already seems like something of a lost cause :(

Anyhow, I was looking over my Sparkpage today and noticed something that I should have noticed before.

Let's take a look, shall we?:

breakfast:
Duffy's Crumpet, 1 serving
Honey, 0.33 tbsp
Country Crock, Shedd's Spread Country Crock Plus Calcium & Vitamins (Soft),
Tea, brewed, 8 fl oz
Granulated Sugar, 2 individual packet
Tennessee Pride Sausage Links, 0.5 serving
Cookie Crisp Cereal (corn with other grains), 1 cup

lunch:
Heiner's 35 calorie bread, whole-wheat, 1 serving
JIF creamy peanut butter, 1 tbsp
Ruffles Light, 2 oz
Newtons Minis Strawberry, 0.5 serving
Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookie, 1 serving

dinner:
Luck's Pinto Beans, 1.5 serving

snack:
Kroger Cherry Cheesecake Yogurt, Lite, 0.5 serving
Pop-Secret 100 calorie Pop Butter popcorn, 1 serving

CALORIES CARBS FAT PROTEIN
Totals: 1,102 184 32 33

At first glance, not so bad! It is WELL within my calorie and fat range for the day, at least...but it's ALL CARBS! On top of that, it's really just the same empty-calorie JUNK that I was eating while I was fat, only in smaller calories. I don't think that I ever noticed before what I was doing. I KNOW that carbs make me hungry. I discovered that years ago: a peanut butter sandwich and a banana will tide me over all day. A bowl of sugary cereal will have me hungry in half an hour- but I haven't been applying what I learned.

Ugh.

Well, I think that I know what to do, at least: 1) go back to planning my meals in advance more carefully and 2) concentrate on QUALITY as much as quantity.

SCREAM

2006-10-08T22:17:00.000-04:00

SO FRUSTRATED.

I'm at 178...I /think/- the scale keeps waffling between 178 and 181. I feel like I've been on the cusp of the 170's forever. I know that the main culprit is the fact that I fell off the wagon while I was in Scotland, but this is SO frustrating! The longer my plateau holds, the more I feel like letting go!

I really, REALLY wanted to be in the 170's for Scotland. By cheating a smidge, I made it- but the scale has barely budged since!

My exercise has ramped up in intensity, but lessened in length. It is getting dark too early for me to stay out for an hour anymore. I've started actually RUNNING (okay, 12 minute miles are more like a fast walk :$ but still!) for 30 mins, instead of walking for an hour, and my carb intake is up. I think I'm going to play with going "low carb" this week to see if that helps. Something HAS to give!

I'm PMS this week. Maybe that's part of it? I can never decide if my weight is more or less pre-period. It seems to waffle. Oh, well. I wish I would JUST LOSE WEIGHT ALREADY! :P

I have 6 weeks until New York. That makes my goal of being 164 by then very tough unless a miracle occurs :(

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

2006-10-02T18:05:00.000-04:00

180.5

SERIOUSLY losing my motivation. I was SO PUMPED last week that I'd managed not to veer TOO far off track with the vacation- but I've been in the 180's for SO LONG. It's really on my nerves. I've tried everything I can think of to shake off this plateau: raising calories, lowering calories, upping excercise intensity (SIGNIFICANT boost from walking to running and mixing in some "The Firm"), upping fiber, upping water. *sigh* I'm nearly at wit's end.

I nearly had a TOTAL binge today. I had KFC (chicken breast and potato wedges) for dinner, followed by a Twix Ice Cream bar. The only salvation is that I fed half of the KFC (1/2 of the wedges,almost all of the skin and 1/2 the meat of the chicken) to my dog, and the ice cream was a "mini" (80 calories).

I still have running left to do...so I'm still "on program", but feeling discouraged, and VERY stressed out. I don't know how much longer I can hold on :( I keep telling myself that if I let go, I'll leave the 180's in the WRONG direction, but it's so HARD!

Home again

2006-09-24T12:39:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm back from Scotland. I have a lovely time. I ate more than I should have, but didn't go COMPLETELY wild. I weigh 182 now, which is basically only a one pound gain. My "official" weigh-in of the week isn't until tomorrow, so who knows what will happen. The thing I'm most excited about is that I haven't had one of those "Awww, screw-it!" moments. I started Sparking again as soon as I got home.

I also resisted the urge to stock up on British chocolates, OMG, I love Galaxy beyond words. I DID scarf one on the plane ride home, but it is gone now.

I LOVED being thin(well, Thin-er) for the trip. I had so much fun! It's been so long since I've been to a bar and been hit on! We met up with a gang of Scottish firefighters and they were fabulous. I can't wait to go back again!

Motivation was waiting for me when I got home. I had returned a pair of size 16 Victoria's Secret pants because they were (*gasp!*) too big. I decided to order a 12 and, guess what? They FIT! I wore them yesterday while I delivered gifts. I am DEFINTIELY loving fitting into my clothes. I don't think that there is a single thing in my closet now that I can't wear.

As regards Scotland goal- I had a scale reading (which I was unable to subsequently duplicate) of 178 the morning that I left. I immediately re-weighed and was still 181, so I don't REALLY think I've gained 4 pounds on the trip. Nevertheless, I allowed it as a "met my goal" for Scotland. The new goal is 164 (a.k.a. BMI of "Normal" weight) for New York at the end of November. Time to buckle down again!

Almost There

2006-09-11T21:47:00.001-04:00

I leave for Scotland in 4 days! I am SO CLOSE to my goal for this! I was only down 1 pound this week, but I think that it is partially attributable to bloat. I want 179 so bad I can- pardon the expression- taste it.

My brother told me that I was the talk of the Courthouse today. Apparently, one of the bailiff's asked my brother "Why I was getting so skinny" and one of the our fellow attorneys opined that I must be getting divorced. It gave me a laugh- down to SINGLE size ;) !

Fudg'ems

2006-09-07T12:45:00.000-04:00

Well, Domino's actually answered my questions about Fudg'ems, their new form of crack.

It's NOT pretty:

Dear <>:

Thank you for taking the time to contact the Domino's Pizza Customer Care Team.
Please find the nutritional information you requested below.
Sincerely,
Catrina

Domino's Pizza Customer Care T.E.A.M.

Oven-Baked Brownie Squares

10 Pieces Per Order/ 2 Pieces Per Serving With 1 Fudge Brownie Sauce Dipping Cup

Amount Per Serving

Nutrient 2 Pieces Fudge Brownie Dipping Sauce (1.5 oz)

Gram Weight (g) 40 43

Calories (kcal) 160 110

Protein (g) 2 2

Carbohydrates (g) 22 27

Dietary Fiber (g) 1 2

Total Sugars (g) 12 21

Fat (g) 7 1

Saturated Fat (g) 1.5 0.5

Mono Fat (g) 1.5 0

Poly Fat (g) 3.0 0

Trans Fatty Acid (g) 0 0

Cholesterol (mg) 15 0

Vitamin A - %DV* 2 0

Vitamin C - %DV* 0 0

Calcium -%DV* 2 2

Iron - %DV* 10 10

Sodium (mg) 95 75

Calories from Fat (kcal) 60 10

*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs.

The product listed above, when made with approved Domino's Pizza ingredients and portions, will provide the nutritional composition as indicated. Information may vary slightly depending on location and supplier base.

Ingredients

Double Chocolate Brownie Bites
Brownie Cubes {Sugar, Eggs, Bleached Wheat Flour, Cottonseed Oil, Margarine [Liquid and Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Water, Salt, Soy Lecithin, Vegetable Mono & Diglycerides, Sodium Benzoate (preservative), Citric Acid, Artificial Flavor, Beta Carotene Color, Vitamin A Palmitate], Chocolate Chips [Sugar, Chocolate Liquor, Cocoa Butter, Soya Lecithin, Ground Vanilla Beans], Cocoa Powder, Baking Powder [Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate, Corn Starch, Monocalcium Phosphate], Vanilla Flavoring [Natural and Artificial Flavor, Propylene Glycol, Corn Syrup, Water, Ethyl Alcohol, Caramel Color], Salt}, Vegetable Oil (Soybean and/or Canola), Wheat Flour, Water. Contains 2% or less of Artificial Flavor, Cocoa, Dried Yeast, Egg Whites, Leavening (Sodium Bicarbonate, Sodium Aluminum Phosphate, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate), Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Salt, Sugar, Sunflower Oil.

Contains: Eggs, Wheat, Milk, Soy

Powdered Sugar
Modified Food Starch, Sugar, Sucralose

Fudge Brownie Dipping Sauce

High Fructose Corn Syrup, Corn Syrup (Contains Sulfites), Sweetened Condensed Milk (Concentrated Whole Milk, Sugar), Alkalized Cocoa Powder, Water, Modified Corn Starch, Caramel Color, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Salt, Potassium Sorbate (added as preservative).

Contains: Milk

The Dream is Alive

2006-09-04T23:22:00.000-04:00

182.

I am wearing a HUGE, satisfied smile right now.

182.

That means that I have two weeks to lose 3 pounds- EMINENTLY do-able.

There is NOTHING like success for motivation, nothing
Of course, there is nothing like failure to make you want to quit. Sunday morning, my usual weigh-in day, my scale was still stuck at 184.5. (I KNOW that I didn't magically lose 2.5 pounds overnight- it was a lucky break on water-weight (although, I've confirmed the 182 since my initial reading), but it was still heartening) and I wanted to throw in the towel. It is amazing how one small setback can make you willing to throw away everything you've achieved so far!

One of my main problems with losing weight is my need for instant gratification. It is hard for me to see that I lost "0.5" pounds one week and still remember that it is FIFTY pounds over several months- that if I keep going,even at that slow rate, I'll reach my goal by this time next year. It is even harder to keep in mind that if I QUIT, I'll probably swell up larger than I was before.

I'm really good at working toward goals, but less good at enjoying where I am in any given moment. Now, for example, I'm nowhere near anyone's definition of thin. I still have little fat rolls in my tummy when I sit down. I still hate the shape of my butt- but I DON'T have double chins. The undersides of my arms are toned. I can zip my knee boots all the way up. I have to remember all those little triumphs. Even if my scale doesn't read 179 when I get on the plane to Scotland, It doesn't read 235 either! I might not be wearing size 30 Paige jeans- but I'm not struggling to zip size 16 Gap jeans either (I'm falling out of my 14's now!).

That said, I need to keep my eye on the prize. When I thought I had stalled AGAIN, I looked into some rut busters, and this is what I am working on this week:

1. Cutting WAY back on Diet Coke (I tried to go cold turkey, but my head hurt so badly I couldn't walk. I'm going to start slow: 1-2 cans per day (understand that I WAS drinking 6-8!) and see if I can cut it out when I get back from my trip. The point is to DRINK ALL MY WATER!!!

2. Upping my fiber. I've bought a fiber supplement although, obviously, I'm trying to get most of the fiber from my food. I read the horror stories ( which are an urban legend ) abuot John Wayne and Elvis and feared for my poor digestive track! I think I was averaging about 4-10 grams of fiber per day before I really started to pay attention!

3. Up my dairy intake. There is so much interesting research about dairy consumption and weight loss. Yes, I've heard the rumors that it is all funded by the dairy council, and I take it with a grain of salt, but I figure it is worth a try? I need more calcium anyhow, and I do love dairy. My plan is to start the day with either low-fat yogurt or light cream cheese, have some kind of cheese at lunch, and finish my day with either some fat free ice cream, or skim milk with chocolate syrup. That will keep each serving around 100 calories and 3-6 grams of fat (well, except for the cheese at lunch. If I get a little more fat with that, so be it). We shall see how it works.

That's better...

2006-08-29T17:28:00.000-04:00

Having a decent week *knock on wood*. I missed running Sunday night because of a storm (actually, I TRIED walking, only to have lightning SPLIT the sky and strike about a mile from where I was. I could SMELL the ozone, and so I left). Last night was good though. I ran a bit of the time (I would have run MORE but 1) my earbuds wouldn't stay in and 2) my pants kept falling down!

A shirt that I ordered for Scotland came in too. I took some pictures and thought I might post what I look like with makeup and decent hair!

Frustration

2006-08-27T11:34:00.000-04:00

My primary journal is on livejournal. I intend to use this journal as a place to record my weightloss, and issues relating to diet and excercise.

This week has been extremely frustrating. I didn't gain, but I only lost .5 pounds. A loss is a loss, and I want to stay positive about that, but I've been working SO HARD! I've excercised four hours this week and been almost perfectly "on program" as far as eating goes. I even managed to be good on my anniversary! I carved off 1/4th of the most delictable filet mignon I think that I have ever had, shunned my twice-baked potatoes (Okay, I ate two bites), skipped bread and dessert, and only had one glass of wine...and nada.

Part of me wonders if I am eating too little? I've been under the 1200 calorie mark three times this week. I've also gotten a woeful amount of fiber. I'm going to aim for 1350 this week and work on upping the fiber (and being better about my water), and seeing if that works.

I am bummed about failing to reach my Scotland goal. I'm leaving on September 15th, just under three weeks from now. My original goal was 175 (now hopeless), and my follow-up goal was to be in the 170's (I kind of, sort of may have lied to the guy at the stables (where we are riding in Skye) about my weight)...and I don't know if that is doable, given this damn plateau! At two pounds per week I should squeak by- but that's only if my body kicks things back into gear!

In any event, I'm trying to focus on the positive. I haven't even seen the 180's for years. I had gotten down to 175ish five years ago (amusingly, the last time that I went to Scotland) and almost all of those clothes are fitting. I can wear my "Scotland jeans" again (although the Paige Denim jeans that I treated myself to for my birthday still make me feel too self-conscious for me to actually wear. I've got to get 175 to wear those!). The excercise is helping me deal with a lot of stress (I have a criminal case that has decided to get all hot and complicate RIGHT while I'm trying to sneak out of the country). I think that I am probably more toned this time than the last time I was thinnish (well, we won't call it thin, we'll call it "NOT morbidly obese). I was running a lot then, but skimping on strength training. I'm only following the Spark regime, but I can still tell a definite difference.

No longer qualifying as "morbidly obese" is another positive. I'm am now solidly "overweight"- which is a nice change, and whenever I get the urge to chuck it, I think about how far I've come- nearly 50 pounds now! If I hadn't started when I did, I would still be wallowing around gigantic, hating myself. Now, at least, I am in "Normal people" clothes (I am lucky in that, despite weighing 185, I could probably get away with claiming to weigh the 170 that I lied about. I have dense bones and big boobs and I'm easily in (alas, American) 14's now, 12's in some things).

Anyhow, my goal this week is to get out of my plateau!

Revised Scotland goal (in the 170's) is still alive (but barely), and my New York City goal (to be "Normal" Weight (by November 17th) is also still plausible.

Back to work!

EDIT: These pics were taken this morning (fresh out of the shower) to shame myself into motivation. The stretch marks are, happily, from having a baby, not mere fatness. Trust me, this IS an improvement.

Also, I got back on the scale just BEFORE the shower and got 184.5. Since I'm shameless (and it is still my weigh-in day) I am counting that...so that gives me a little perk.

2006-08-24T21:47:00.000-04:00

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Kirixchi