Victory in our time!

First up:

The BOY (okay, MAN ;)) found the blog...still not sure what to think about that. On the one hand, it is nice to know that I have a reader (hi, honey!). On the other, I was pretty upset that he is now privy to the ACTUAL number of my weight...

When I stop to think about that, it seems silly. I mean, he OBVIOUSLY knows what I look like, etc...it is just that the number gives me such shame...I wonder if it is because numbers are concrete and easy to compare, versus the subjective measure of how we "look"?

On a more pleasant note, I am down to 187.5...yes, it has really slowed to a crawl, but it is still moving in the right direction. Tonight, for the first time in nearly 3 years, I was able to put on (as in button and zip- they still don't look that hot!) my 7 for all Mankind and Paige Jeans...My first thought when I looked in the mirror was: DAMN! Jeans in 2007 were LOW RISE... I mean, I knew that we were trending back toward mom-jeans-ness these days, but I had no idea how far we had come!

I am still a good 10 pounds from feeling comfortable wearing the jeans out and about, but I was still very pleased with the progress....I don't think they will be quite ready to wear at NAC, but it is possible...we shall see!

I am overweight!!!! Hooray!

Hello, strangers (IF anyone was following my blog, I'm sure that they would have given me up for lost by now!). I'm back with the shocking and wonderful news that I am STILL on the wagon, along with the even MORE shocking and wonderful news that it is working...This morning, I tipped the scales at 193 pounds (well, 195 per scale, but scale claims that, with absolutely nothing on it, the air weighs 2 pounds. Also, the scale in Hawaii when I went skydiving was a full FOUR pounds below my evil scale, so I feel like it is a fair estimate).. Rather than fitting into the grim-sounding category of "Morbidy Obese", I have slipped down into plain old garden-variety "overweight"! HOORAY!
No. Seriously. HOORAY! I am legitimately excited about being "overweight" after so long as full-on fat. It is taking me a LOT longer than I wish, BUT I am maintaining a positive attitude. I am keeping in mind that this is a long-distance race and not a time trial...sort of like when I finished the Army 10-miler. No one was impressed with my time, but I went the WHOLE DAMN TEN MILES.
I have a few challenges coming up. Starting yesterday, mama is in town. We are leaving tomorrow for a road trip to the Grand Canyon. After we get back (flying home on Sunday), she is taking my baby girl back to Kentucky :( Vacation/depression has, in the past, been a deadly combo, BUT I am determined to stay on track! I am going to spend a week wallowing. After that is over, I intend to pick up with running. We shall see....
In parting, enjoy this picture of "overweight" Steph, rocking a new Target dress.

Success (?)

198 lbs as of the morning of my birthday.

I have my grill (a present from mom and dad, which makes it even better). Apart from that, I failed to reach my admittedly pie-in-the-sky birthday goal (and, having done so, the rest of the goals are pretty much unreachable).

To perk myself up, I concentrated on the fact that, as I enter my 35th year on Earth, I am FINALLY under the 200 pound mark again. The more I thought about it, however, the more that I realized I had a lot more than that to celebrate.

As I mentioned previously, my weight problem stems, primarily, from a binge-eating problem. I am the classic yo-yo dieter. I have lost over 50 pounds three times in my life, and over 20 at least a dozen times. When I found my elementary school diary a few years ago, I saw that I was obsessively monitoring my weight and counting calories even back then- AS A TEN YEAR OLD. My metabolism obviously doesn't believe that I really "mean it" this time. However, looking over my food journal for the past 36 days, I realized that I didn't experience ANY huge disasters. I resisted movie-theater popcorn, a hail-and-farewell steak dinner and even birthday cake (to be clear: I ate SOME of each of these things, I just didn't exceed what I had budgeted for). I can't think of a single other month in my entire life when that was the case- where there wasn't at least SOME episode of eating an entire pizza, or going through the drive-thru at McDonalds and THEN having three peanut-butter-and-marshmallow-fluff sandwiches and then thinking, "OH, what the hell, I've blown it already!" and scarfing down a bowl of unbaked cookie dough and a bag of chips. This is HUGE! Even though I didn't meet my dream-goals for the month (2 and a half pounds a week just isn't going to happen, it seems, even though I have stayed between 1200 and 1400 calories every day! :( ), I have the confidence that I CAN do it someday. I haven't felt like I am missing out on life, and so the thought of doing this until the end of forever doesn't feel overwhelming. If I lose 2 pounds a month for the next two years, I will be frustrated, but I will end up where I want to be (and if I can eat like this for two years, SURELY I won't blow it again!).

I will get there eventually!

Isn't being a girl great?

Yes, I have been AWOL for a few days. There isn't much to report. My most recent visit to the scale (last night before bed) was a disappointing one: 204.0- although, I don't really believe that it is a true gain. I have been shockingly good. However, I am on my period, and I think that has something to do with the situation.

Unlike most people, my weight tends to go DOWN during PMS (by about 5 pounds) and then shoots back up again when I finally start. I hadn't been weighing myself regularly prior to what I THOUGHT was PMS week, but ended up being my monthly visit a week early. Now I think it is possible that my initial measurement was artificially depressed. If that were the case, 204 would actually be a victory...but perhaps I am merely psyching myself out? I don't know, but I have to keep the faith.

I suppose that this is yet another reason that men have it so much easier when it comes to losing weight. Not only do they have higher metabolisms and drop weight like a tree shedding leaves, but they don't have to deal with the added challenge of hormone fluctuations. I know that most of my weight problem stems from emotional/binge eating, but I know that it is also affected by my time of the month- in both positive and negative ways. The week before my period, it typically feels like there is not enough food in the world to fill my stomach. Then, the week after- I feel like I could cruise all day on a few peanut butter and crackers. In my experience, birth control only makes the situation worse because I get stuck in the "week before" mode. I have never gone on it without gaining at least 20 pounds.

I have to concentrate on the bright side: guys may have it easier, but they don't look nearly as cute in bikinis when they reach their goal! ;)

Shaping the Path

203.5...that will have to be the official weight of the week. I managed to coerce the scale into 203 at one point yesterday evening, but I think that the above-referenced number is less attributable to shenanigans.

Sooooo...on the one hand, I am depressed that I have failed to reach my unrealistic goal of 2.5 pounds per week. On the other- a loss is a loss, right? I would have been THRILLED if I had kept to my promise of stepping onto the scale only once per week. However, I weighed myself about 20000000000 times per day, so I fell victim to the false hope and grief that water fluctuations wreak.

2 pounds down for the week. Not bad! I am pleased that I spent the entire week going in a positive direction. I had a total breakthrough at the movies yesterday as well. Although I DID order popcorn for my daughter, I took a little plastic ziplock bag (sandwich sized), filled it up out of her bucket and limited myself to just that much. It was a pretty nice compromise. I read a book recently "Switch: How to Change things When Changing is Hard", (http://www.amazon.com/Switch-Change-Things-When-ebook/dp/B0030DHPGQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1276541301&sr=1-1) and it cited research about why people eat. They did an experiment where they gave people terrible, close to inedible popcorn in different sized containers and sent them to watch a movie. In the end, the people with the biggest sized containers ate the most, even though the popcorn was nasty and they weren't hungry at all. The example is cited as a lead-in to a concept that the authors call "shaping the path"- that is, rather than relying on your own internal motivation to employ a different behavior, you manipulate your outside environment to make it more difficult (if not impossible) to act in the undesired fashion. So, if I have a tiny bag of popcorn, I am less likely to gorge (and I know how much I ate!). Another example is eating off of small plates, or the weight-loss-book-favorite: having half of your meal at a restaurant boxed up before it comes to your table (Who DOES that? Honestly!!!! (Although, I ordered Key Lime Pie at Red Lobster Friday night (I know, I know! I was naughty- but listen!) and asked for a box along with the pie (so that I could carve off a little sliver and put the rest away like a good girl). The waitress pre-boxed it for me (defeating my purpose, since I had to break into the box to get the bite that I was dying for anyhow)).

I think that there really is something to this "path" idea. I am looking for other examples to put into practice. If anyone stumbles across this blog, let me know if you have ideas!

THIS is what I am capable of....me around 165, 3 years ago:

Scale Obsession

Ok. I lied about staying off the scale. I peeked. 205.0 today...so down another .5 pounds, IF I believe my scale...and I'm not sure that I do.

My current scale is remarkably temperamental. If I step on with my right foot, instead of my left, it can tweak the measurement down about half a pound. I can also adjust the measurement by moving it from one side of the bathroom to the other. I KNOW that this leads to inaccurate measurements...but I still resort to those tricks when I need a psychological boost.

I wish that I could follow the advice in weight-loss books and concentrate on my measurements instead of my weight. That's what REALLY matters, after all. My measurement changes aren't typically very dramatic, since I am one of those people who loses/gains/retains pretty much evenly. Don't get my wrong, I'm grateful. I think I look better than I should for someone over the 200 pound mark:
Obviously there is room for improvement...TONS (I mean that almost literally :P).